Again and again, in the morning I offer myself as a sacrifice, please to God only by the blood of Christ, but offering my time, will, pleasures, heart, and day to the God of all things. Again and again, by the evenings, I fight my inward rebellion against the God who has shown me what good--and what hard--is. I know Paul said he didn't understand his own actions, but I don't understand my own life.
The mornings keep getting longer this week, and the evenings more impossible. I do not know if I am getting sick, or fighting a spiritual battle I'm only partially aware of, but I grow exhausted a few hours before leaving work, and struggle through time with my family at home. I snap at them, telling myself that all I want is to be left alone--as if God ever truly leaves us alone.
And another day has dawned. This morning, I prayed "Morning" from The Valley of Vision, which is confession, requests, and an acknowledgment of the glory of God, all beautiful phrased in one prayer. I truly prayed it, asking God for help this day, this morning through this evening, for I do not have in me the strength to obey.
But. But I have training for six and a half hours today, as well as four on the phones; I have an apology to make to my sister, I have grading to do, and I am desperately seeking for rest. My entire being revolted when I woke at 4:30 for no apparent reason, telling God I did not need this today of all days.
God knows what I need. In that simple truth there is a silencing of much of my protesting, but the protesting silenced, all I have left a weary pleas for help to a God who does not speak audibly to us, at least not now. God of my strength, helper of my heart, I acknowledge that my flesh and heart are failing, but that you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. God, please, grant me what I need, and more, for I have nothing left!
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