Enough

   Her lips pressed together as the noise climbed. Thirteen children one room over were deafening, and she had to finish this submission before the clock struck nine. Not that she'd be able to hear it. "Quiet" had been commanded several times, lessening the confusion, but always the noise rose a few minutes after the command had been given. Her youngest child started to howl "That's mine!!!" She stomped to the door and yelled "Enough!"

    She was old. Her children were far away, her husband dead within the past month, her house mortgaged, and her social security checks slim. She had no where to go and nothing to hold on to. She hobbled to the front door to open to get the mail, taking it from the hand of an apathetic postman. No bills, she thought with a small sigh of relief. She could not pay the ones she had on the counter. She opened the top one, from the medical clinic where she'd been tested. The black words told her bad news, that she had cancer. Chemo would need to start soon, and included was another large bill, a bill that would only grow as her treatment went on. Sinking to the floor, she put her head in her hands, crying, "God, didn't I have enough pain already?"

    I came to realize that there is no such word as enough in the Christian's storehouse. Enough means "no more," and we cannot tell that to God. For we have been set an example by Christ, who "knelt down and prayed, saying 'Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.' And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down the ground. And when he rose from from prayer, he came to his disciples" and later, during his great trial, it is said he opened not his mouth, but was like a lamb before the shearers. He did His father's will. "'Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father, glorify your name.' Then a voice came from heaven: 'I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.'"
   I cannot say "enough, God, no more" even when I am sick, when, as last night at nine thirty, I want nothing more than to sleep, for oblivion to take hold of me, and a friend texts me, a friend who always needs help. She said she didn't want to keep me up, but proceeded to text me till nearly eleven at night. God was very gracious, and did what I had been asking for, and turned my heart, but oh, the temptation to say "no, God, I will not do this tonight, I'm sick, it isn't fair."
  I cannot say "enough, I won't" even when I do not want to work, even when my reasons are overwhelming, even when things at home are hard, even when I have given and given and given and have no more to give, I cannot say "enough."
   We cannot say enough because our God is limitless. All things are possible through His power, even a smile, a real, tired smile in the aftermath of a terrible day when we come home to one more person who needs something. Such was planned by Him, and is therefore God. Jesus withdrew to pray by Himself, but He did so because it was God's will, not because He had had enough of following God's commands by giving to blind people who would crucify Him (not that I am any different). Jesus never told God that, as a human, he had done enough. Nor may we. God's power is enough to fulfill His will, and to trust Him is to accomplish many impossible things in God's timing.
    But there will come a time when we will say "this is more than enough." For God loves to bless His children, and will fill our lives and hearts till they are overflowing, and staring at Him in wonder, we will say "the sufferings of this present time were not worth comparing to this glory"--it is more than enough to have followed God, to have surrendered each difficult moment to Him, to have never said "Enough."

A Shattered Vessel

     He held the shattered pieces in his hand.

    I could not take my eyes off them, for the shattered pieces were me. I didn't deny I needed to be shattered--the flaws were clear even now, still retained in the tiny pieces. I knew I needed to be remade. Still flinching at each crack, I had tried not complain as I fell into a helpless, broken pile of glass and cracks. I am so frail and weak.
    But what I could not understand was why he held them, doing nothing else that I could see. I had been broken so that I might be remade, not that I might stay broken. I knew, his timing, his timing, repeated in panting rhythm as I tried to breathe, but still the agony of the question swamped me, why doesn't he move? Why am I still shattered?

"If anyone serves me, he must follow me [to death]; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.

Human Joy - Elizabeth Eliot

    The following excerpt is taken from Passion and Purity:
"Teach me to feel that Thou art always nigh;
Teach me the struggles of the soul to bear--
To check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;
Teach me the patience of unanswered prayer.
                                                            GEORGE CROLY
                 "Spirit of God, Descend upon My Heart"
[...]
"'What hindereth thee more than thine affections not fully mortified to the will of God?' wrote Thomas a Kempis in Imitation of Christ.
    Mortified. A frightening word. If my affections must be mortified, does that mean they must be killed? Does it mean they're all evil and sinful and wicked? [...]
    There is no getting around the etymology of the word mortified. It comes from the Latin for death. The King James Version of Romans 8:13 says we must mortify our members. A modern translation makes it even more direct, 'But if by the Spirit you put to death all the base pursuits of the body, then you will live.' What are base pursuits? There is a list in Colossians 3:5: fornication, indecency, lust, foul cravings, and the ruthless greed which is nothing less than idolatry. These are products of human desire, if human desire is given free rein. The Christian has handed the reins over to his Master. His human desires are brought into line. The desires still exist, are still strong, natural, and human, but they are subjugated to the higher power of the Spirit. They are purified and corrected a we live day by day in faith and obedience.
[...]
The nonbeliever denies this, listens to the promptings of the flesh, capitulates, insists he has to do what feels good, to go with the flow. The Christian mortifies the flesh by submitting to the authority of Christ--to His authority in every area of his being

     I forget where I was going with this, except that there was a recurring theme, around the time I first copied the above, of whether it was good to enjoy something that did not directly relate to learning about or worshipping God; or rather, to what extent it was good and to what extent it was a distraction from what we should be focusing on.

Prayer

   "We ask thee for the daily strength; to none that ask denied. A mind to blend with outward life while keeping at thy side, content to fill a little space if thou be satisfied. "--Hymn 444 in the Blue Hymnal.
    God, I am sick, and weary. Nor am I strong in my faith or my discipline. But I have just read of those who were, Mary, who gave herself entirely to your devotion right before you went to die, and realized that such strength is a gift from you. I do ask you for the daily strength, to live through today, for it seems a wearier road than I would like, but more than that, for the spiritual strength to glorify you in thought, word, and deed throughout today. I ask that you would bring me to love you with all my heart, all my mind, and all my strength, and to love all those I see and hear as I love myself. For the sake of your son, who died that I might live, I ask these today. Amen.