On my Heart

    For two weeks, I've battled with the overwhelming temptation to use Netflix and Youtube as an escape from life. Two night ago, unexpectedly, I sat down before going to bed and prayed for God to give me the truth. My head had been caught in daydreams all day, and my imagination was blending reality with ideas that I shouldn't be thinking, things I do not understand yet, so I sat down and asked God for the truth.
    I did not expect what He gave me. Oh, it was truth, and sitting in its rightful place, it banished from my mind the thoughts I'd been giving free reign. But it was the truth that I had thought I'd gotten over, gotten past--that I still disliked God's gift of a well-paying job with all my heart. I had ceased to loathe it, and now only dreaded it. One step in the right direction, but one step was not enough to bring me back to solid ground. I'd given up thinking about it, praying about it, and evaluating it, telling myself God would change my heart in His time, and as I could not do anything about it, I would forget it--and forgotten, my emotions would cease to be involved, and I would no longer dread God's gift.
    In a sense it worked--I did not dread work anymore. I went, I worked, I came home, and my heart was safely uninvolved. But coming home, I needed distraction. If my heart was not involved with my life, it must be involved in something else. Our hearts really do need something to be passionate about, something to be involved in. I'd chosen TV, but as with any addiction, it was no substitute for the real thing, and demanded more and more time. I'd reached a careful equilibrium, where I gave in to it just enough to give my heart something to daydream about during the long work hours, and little enough to give my conscience no qualm. Until two weeks ago, that is. Then the storm broke loose when I got sick. I was uneasy about how quickly the temptation of watching drama or excitement was so strong it was almost a need. Then, after I painstakingly reapproached that balanced equilibrium, God sat down and showed me my own heart.
    That night, weeping, knowing that I still could not change my heart, my job, that my circumstances and emotional reaction were beyond my control, I asked God to give me a purpose again, one that I was eager to work towards, instead of resembling an iron maiden that closed and captured me. I fell asleep soon after.
    The next morning, a friend called, struggling with the same weight of a painful, unwelcome job and a rebellious, breaking heart. The timing of God's revelation to me about my struggle just before hearing hers gave me some faith to pray for her. The answer to prayer, so quickly, of having a purpose I was eager to work for, to pray for, and to fight for, was even more reassuring. But my heart still cried out for her, unknowning if my praying really was changing her life.
    That was yesterday; I prayed for her often, throughout the long workday, and today, while staying at home, she was often in my thoughts. I realized today (while cleaning a mirror) that God had done much through her call to me that morning. I know, as I wiped down the dust and cleaned the smears, that even then I had a tendency to praise myself for the work I was doing for my family. I have often struggled with a martyr complex, where my sacrifice is intended to glorify myself more than help others. I cannot imagine how much I would have pitied and yet glorified myself if I had been the only one to struggle with my work the way I was--or even if I was the only one I knew of, that still would create the same result. It punched hard that she might be suffering so I would not fall into sin. I know full well that her struggle is for her good as well, that God is working in her life through this, that His wisdom is such I am sure the struggle is not only because of me. But God's grace in having her share that with me is unmistakable.
    So now I pray that God's grace would be strong evident to her, as well, that it would hold and mend her heart, and teach her to live again. I ask this knowing full well that God plans each incident in our lives, from phone calls, jobs, thoughts, and even chores such as cleaning a mirror. So I offer up to God all that is on my heart--my friend, my sin, her struggle, and our lives. God, be glorified, and God, be merciful. Amen.