The First Time in a While

    I haven't felt at home in a while. I've been writing about that recently; maybe I'll post it. But tonight--tonight was a reminder. And reminders should be marked, written down in my case, maybe retold or painted or held in a memento in others...but here is my memory.
    The weakness and despicable feeling of sin has held my heart for a while. Each defeat seems inevitable; each victory unreal. Until tonight.
    Tonight, someone very close to me called. She's a member of my family--and my family does not cry easily, and certainly not to each other. She called me, I missed the call, I called her back, and started to tease her--till the silence on the other end of the line instead of laughter woke me up. "____, what's wrong?"
    It was the first time she's cried to me. No, I take that back--she asked me questions once, questions about assurance and salvation, and she was crying then. That was years ago; I still pray for her, many times each week. Tonight, she called about family.
   I have the-same-yet-different struggle in my own family, and I listened and spoke, and we ended the conversation laughing, as I walked up to the register to buy some things to make no-bake cookies. I'd sat in my backyard while she was crying, so no one else could overhear.
   But these two memories are strong. When she first called I misheard what she said, and my mind jumped to a sister of mine; the fear had my pulse racing and my mind crying over options, what to do. I heard her explain more, and my fear calmed--I had misunderstood. I could listen to her better then.
    The second strong memory was a memory of strength itself. It has been so long, so very, very, very long, since I have felt strong. Since I have felt I had something to say, where my words were certain and my heart...less broken, even when feeling the soft cry that echoes when I hear someone else's pain. Empathy and brokenness are two very different things, and the weight of tears at someone else's grief is not nearly as heavy as the unheard sobbing, throbbing of a cracked and broken heart. And oh, the grace of God, that he gave me this gift tonight: I was once again a part of his kingdom, his hands and feet to the lost or hurting. God, I give you my thanks, for this memory of what it is to say and love as you have given me gifts to do, for those I love the most. My thanks to you, my humble, heartfelt gratitude and thanks for that grace. In the name of Christ, who washed me clean, amen.