Freedom by Truth

    I have been struggling to find my way for years, now--two years, two months, and perhaps ten days. But there were some basic questions I had asked, some that I know the answers to now.
   What do I want?
    The negatives--I do not want a job that is grown-up, formal, polite, responsible, and the absence of everything real except facts. I do not want to become a nominal Christian, either.
   A positive: I want to be the fire that steadily burns hot. I want to give warmth to those who are cold, energy to others on fire, a searing touch of truth to those who are dead, and light to anyone who is in darkness. I want to be the salt and light of the earth, the truth that banishes the doubt, the wisdom that changes the ignorance, in a word--the hands and feet of God. I want to rely on Him so completely that all may see the glory is truly his, and the kingdom mine.
   I want to be alive. I want to live and breath and remember my life.
   I want to have the faith that moves mountains, and the prayer that does not give up no matter how long the wait.

   Another question I have answered:
   What am I to do?
    Anything he commands. And I know, without a doubt, that he does not leave us without commands. Oh, there are (many, in my case) times the way is unclear, but we have commands even for that time. Trust. Live righteously. Wait on me.

    And I know without a doubt I am a sinner.
    Every day, every thought, every attempt to pray or to be kind or to be obedient, or, most of all, to rejoice in the duties laid on my life at the moment, are frustrating in their twisted, malformed motivations and carrying out.

   I know I cannot change myself. Believe me, I've tried. And I'm a strong-willed person.

   I know God is faithful. I'm alive, spiritually, even.

   And He has promised to complete my redemption. No, He promised that my redemption is complete, and that my transformation into a righteous child of God, the image of God redeemed, will be complete.

   I still have questions, of course.

    What does it mean to rejoice when I am to broken to hope?
    How do I teach myself to take joy in what I'm given? Or to have gratitude?

    But just in writing this, just in writing out the truth, I'm reminded of what the truth is, and of what I've learned. And the doubts, the fears, and the pressing in of questions, lies, and honest seeking ceases for a moment. Truly, the truth sets us free.