I walked to lunch from a meeting, a meeting that went well the first hour, the last half hour degenerated into the same people restating the same opinions over again. And again. And, oh, by the way, again. I laughed, shook it off, and went to lunch. At last, a break from professionalism.
Not. My closest friend at work was sitting with to other coworkers, and she was almost crying. She had been written up for something she had done the day before. It was something another coworker had done several times, and we did not know if she had been disciplined for it or not, as that is something the company does not share. The ladies also mentioned that the offence Carol was written up for is punishable by termination of employment. But for the rest of the lunch, my friend and the two other ladies tore the fourth coworker into shreds, attacking one or two other people at the same time. It was gossip with a self-justifying attitude turned fighting-for-the-underdog. And much of it, at least against the fourth coworker, was justified--still gossip, but true.
I had been made a manager within the last two weeks, and I sat. I could not answer the lady written up as a friend, since I had authority behind my words now. I could not answer as a manager, because I did not know what was going on. So I compromised--for the most part I remained silent, giving Carol a hug. I answered twice as a person, reminding the table that the people being ripped apart did have merits--that we should be fair. But when I left I left wondering "What should I have said?"
I set my water bottle at my desk, went into my manager's office, and asked to speak with him. Coming out, having heard the other side of the story, I felt better. Carol had been given grace, as was the fourth coworker. Carol was not terminated; the fourth employee was also learning to do better.
But it was limited grace. Carol is still on probation, for instance.
I worked the rest of the day, then drove to meet a friend. This friend had just moved out of an apartment with four other girls; they'd been living in the same place for two years, but all of them were moving elsewhere, for different reasons. Two of the roommates did a terrible, horrific job of cleaning; another deeply hurt my friend just as she handed her the keys. I pointed out to my friend that nowhere in Scripture are we allowed to hold a grudge, or to be angry--that is left to God, who can exact vengeance and justice without sinning. I told her--after getting her permission to speak bluntly--that she had to forgive them. She had been shown unlimited forgiveness, and she was required to give the same.
I need unlimited grace as well. At work or in relationships, I sin. Not just once, not just one time a week, but again and again and again. If you give me limited grace, I will use it up. I am human, I am fallen, and I cannot keep good commandments. I can keep my job, true, but only by playing a pharisee, where the outside keeps to the rules and the inside rebels or grows proud. To truly live in a fallen world, I need to give and to have unlimited grace with people
I can't do that as a manager. I have to keep the company's best interests in mind. In a corporate world, a company that lets itself be taken advantage of again and again, that gives unlimited grace, will not survive. Unlimited Grace is not practical and not real. But I am appalled to discover that I work in a place where the law of the gospel will not work. How can that be? I want the gospel not just at the center of my life, but in every aspect, by God's grace in every word and thought and action. The contrast between the law of grace and its transforming power and the law of a broken reality hurts.
For I heard Carol crying through the rest of the day. I thank God that she has today off, that it's the weekend. No, I do not think the company was wrong for writing her up. But I dread knowing that the grace they gave her is limited, and it might some day run out. Mine, too. I have no warnings, no rebukes that are uttered more than once, I even have a promotion. But to succeed in a world that measures by works means a long, hard struggle with the only reward being a flattering of my pride. I don't want that--I want truth, beauty, grace, humility, and wonder as the strength that is stronger than my own undoes my walls, cleanses my sin, and changes my character. I want to give Carol a hug and tell her she's forgiven--if she would even accept that she was wrong. But the absurdity of doing that is clear. We can only give limited grace. Unlimited grace is left for God to give, or for us to give in the personal areas of life.
God, teach me where to go from here.
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