"John Adams was [...] a great-hearted, persevering man of uncommon ability and force. He had a brilliant mind. He was honest and everyone knew it. emphatically independent by nature, hardworking, frugal--all traits in the New England tradition--he was anything but cold or laconic as supposedly New Englanders were. He could be high-spirited and affectionate, vain, cranky, impetuous, self-absorbed, and fiercely stubborn; passionate, quick to anger, and all-forgiving; generous and entertaining. He was blessed with great courage and good humor, yet subject to spells of despair, and especially when separated from his family or during period of prolonged inactivity" (18-19 John Adams).
Sometimes it's good to remember that our heroes are human. But I'm finding, more and more, that most heroes--real heroes with perseverance, courage, and humility, yet who create a great change (the last is not necessary to being a hero) have a passionate personality and a great deal of stubbornness. They're people who give and give and give, past the point of sanity sometimes...no, I don't want to be a hero. But I love them, I love them very, very much, and I would love to be able to give to the heroes who give so much of themselves.
I think that's why I'm not bothered by how much I want to live near heroes and associate often with them--because I don't think most of it is a desire for my own glory, I think, perhaps, possibly, I just want to be near what I love, and give to what I love...and instead I'm withdrawing more and more into myself, pouring most of my limited resources of energy, money, intellect, and time into a quantifiably common-sensical move that is ultimately also a selfish one. I work to pay for grad school to get a degree. My grad school career will benefit, perhaps, in the long run, future students I might have, but I wonder, sometimes, if the sacrifice of me withdrawing is worth it. The honest part of me forces me to acknowledge that I still do some things for Mom, and that I can try in very small, few and far-between ways to make Lorien's and Kayren's life easier...and I pray for many people, with regularity...and I talk to a few of them often...ok, yes, not totally withdrawn, but I struggle with the contrast between what I could be doing, at church and at missions in Des Moines with how much I don't do, now.
But compare that with what I love, with the people I want to be near...granted, John Adams had a law degree, William Wilberforce was educated, what's his name (I remember him so clearly, but not his name) in Faith Like Potatoes lived his life dedicating so much time to his farm...but even with that, they still managed to change and touch so many people, to effect great changes in the places where they lived. And I? I just want to go overseas--spend five years here, ten-to-fifteen there, and then five years here...and then come back. Why do I want that? Well, because I want to teach, and I want to see and live in another culture...and yes, I know they need English teachers over there, but aren't my main reasons ultimately selfish?
I think--no, not I think.
I want a cause, I want to have the same brilliant fire and passion that lit up their faces mirrored in mine, whether I change something or not--I want something I can give absolutely everything to. I want to be around people where their fire can burn with mine; I want to see the brilliance of selfless passion burning and encouraging and changing things--agape love, which stops at nothing and holds back nothing and acts with wisdom and passion. (Can you tell our sermon this morning was on love? :) Romans 12. And it was very good--love is a choice, based on the biblical definition, for God choses to love people; it is not inspired by anything they do, nothing but his own promises, and that love moves Him to action again and again.) The honest part of me once again reminds me of times, times I've been called a saint (left me flabbergasted, the first time it happened), times I was told how much I'd done for toehrs...times I had changed something. Times when I think perhaps that brilliant, burning, bright fire was in my own heart, and reaching out through my two hands and doing what I could not...but not anymore.
Now I sit and type on keyboard and take calls and type some more and read Diary of a Madman/Cheering From the Sidelines and wonder what on earth I'm doing, and why...but isn't that choice in the hands of God? Do I believe he led me here? (Yes, I cannot say no to that.) Do I believe he has a purpose for me here? Yes, of that I'm equally certain.
Then trust Him.
I will.
And maybe some of that brilliant, agape fire will take hold here, and I'll see something change for the better, something change from a dark kingdom to God's.
Maybe sometime soon.
("loving a person just the way they are, that's no small thing" Sarah Groves Loving a Person)
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