Untouchable

     There's a song that I am not sure if I love or hate--not because it get stuck in my head that often, but because I'm not sure if I want to relate to it or not. It's "Sober" by Pink--not because I have any temptation towards alcohol (I fall asleep after one glass of wine), but because of some of the lines in the song. "I'm safe, up high, / nothing can touch me," "the quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth," "broken down in agony and just trying to find a friend."
    I recently shut my emotions down, completely. Partly because of a lot of grief that has been left over from leaving friends behind, partly frustration at the lack of joyful expectations of my future, and partly because of stress about loans, job, and partly because of tiredness. It made me untouchable, in some ways. No matter what went wrong, it didn't bother me; no matter how bad the depression was, I didn't feel it.
   But that wasn't living, not really. Oh, I did things, and even accomplished things, but it all took place on the surface--and for an introspective person, that's the lesser half of life for a good third of the time they're alive (the other third is spent doing things intense but not introspective, at least in my life).
   Now emotions are back--and oh, God, please help me, they hurt. But at least I'm alive again, and at least I can tell God is working in my life.
    But somehow the state of "untouchable" is still so appealing--no hurt, no bother, no real pain, no mistakes from anger or frustration, no hurting other people (though no in-depth conversation, either, unless it is entirely intellectual and at least slightly disconnected with life). But it's not right, and I think that's the main problem--I have followed my God and given Him my life for far too long to give up now.  I love Him, too, and I can't love Him or act on that with my emotions completely shut down--not just the "fuzzy feelings" but everything. And I'm not willing to live that way, nor is He willing to let me. God, help me serve you every day, all the time, in every stage. Amen.