I wanted to sit on the floor, resting my head on my arms, wrapping them around my knees.
I wanted to shut my eyes and ears, and by doing so shut my heart off as well. I had excuses; hadn't I had enough? Today, hadn't I done enough, endured enough, wasn't it time to consider myself now? My head buried in myself, perhaps I could forget the callers who bullied me for over half an hour today, making my hands shake with helplessness and frustration as I kept my voice polite, perhaps I could forget that I called Jane and something else was wrong, or at least complicated, that I wanted to pour my heart out to God for her and didn't have the words; perhaps I could forget that Joy Brace was in hospice dying. I could forget the two kids, teenagers, my friends, losing their mother; their father losing his wife. God, why?
Or perhaps I could finally let myself cry, the dam breaking and relieving pressure on a swollen, bruised heart. I had wanted, earlier, to bury my head in his shoulder, my body shaking with grief, his arms holding me up, till I took a sobbing breath and looked up into his eyes, and my backbone would straighten and I would stand tall, head high, and he would take my hand and I would gain his strength and he leading, I would have his wisdom, and we would go fight against these things that were wrong...instead I had only prayer, and my doubts hammered my mind and caused me to stumble, fumble, fall, feeling lost and helpless all over again. What good could my prayer possibly do? I asking this, I, who had seen so many prayers answered.
And if I shut my eyes I wouldn't see the dishes that needed to be done, my nose buried in my knees couldn't smell the trash stinking, smelling of rotten onions and potatoes, the latter stronger than the former. I couldn't hear my father's low voice, telling my sister to give up her dreams as he listed the reasons, the concerns he has for the college she has chosen, when she has rejected all others. I wouldn't have to ache inside as I thought of her contained reaction that she will share with no one I know, if she shares it with anyone at all.
All of this, from today--mixed with homework and work and paying off loans and errands to the grocery store and library for a moment, Little Caesar's for supper tonight, since Lit'ling is sick, so it will just be Mom and I.
But if I shut my eyes and ears and heart I would not have heard Mom talk about how she is drowning in the cesspool (her words) that she works in, where "Jesus Christ!" is said in every other sentence, where people are patted on the back for flagrant sin, would not have showed her a song God had recently showed me, would not have seen her smile light up her face when she told me that she was glad I was home, would not have been able to help her grade her homework while she is so swamped (only two weeks left, or a week and a half!). I might not have made Meghan laugh. I would not have stood in the parking lot with Evlijana and heard her say that I do not treat her second class, and that she would pray to God that I would get what I want--and that all she wants is to become full-time at Hy-Vee grocery store. I might not have seen Andrew, or the lady in the hallway as glorious immortal beings who live in a spiritual world as well as one where people call on the phone and yell at them, or say thank you, might not have been given that gift.
So I went and did dishes, and then opened my heart onto a blank electronic form, wondering, asking who I should share it with, if it will (as the other seventeen pieces have) stay hidden.
And then I got a text from a friend asking if now was a good time to call.
God, help me as I share. In the name of Christ, I ask this--and I ask for Joy, for her children and family, for Janette, for Evlijana, and for Lorien, my sister, Father please, thy will be done, may thy kingdom come, and may they please be yours!
And this was my day.
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